Fathers, Do not Embitter Your Children (v. 21)
The Father’s Double Model
The Lord’s admonition to fathers is inseparable from our new nature in Christ and our need to live as new creatures in Christ. These are not natural law principles that anyone can perform. They are new birth realities that only the redeemed can do. Thus, the Christian home and the role of the father specifically depend upon the reality of the new birth and union with Jesus Christ. This is certain for two fundamental reasons. First, the new birth is the way the image of our heavenly Father is restored in us. How can we be fathers who nurture unless we are being renewed into his image? This is the way he Father’s us – he is kind. He never treats us as our sins deserve. He is gentle and longsuffering. He is sometimes angry with us, but his anger is gentle and restorative, never vindictive, manipulative, or out of control. His anger never results in our loss of sonship and nearness but in our restoration to sonship and harmony with him. Our heavenly Father provides for us generously, watches over us, and loves us. He is seeking a loving, intimate relationship with his children. All believers are commanded to imitate our Father (Matt. 5:48; Eph. 5:1). Fathers in particular must keep the loving kindness of our heavenly Father before them, for he is the best of fathers. If we want to relate to our children in a nurturing way that builds them up and does not embitter them, we must be constantly in his fellowship and imitating him.
Any imitation of our Father in heaven brings us to Jesus Christ, for he is the lively image of the Father (Eph. 5:2; Col. 1:15). It is specifically in the way Jesus Christ exercises authority and shepherds that informs and empowers the Christian father. This is the immediate context of these household commands – being renewed in the image of Jesus Christ, putting on the new man in Christ (3:10-12). Thus, to take but one example, our Lord Jesus is meek and gentle toward us (2 Cor. 10:1) Fathers must “put him on,” be clothed with his attitudes and demeanors. Fathers cannot do this in their own strength, but must live in honest, prayerful, dependent fellowship with Jesus Christ in order to draw from him the grace and fruit of the Holy Spirit to be an endearing father, not an embittering tyrant. Every grace required to be a faithful and nurturing father is not learned from Greek philosophy or from the latest guru manuals but from Jesus Christ (Eph. 4:20). If our inborn tendencies or natural law were sufficient, our Lord Jesus need never have come and redeemed us from the vain philosophies of men. It is from Jesus Christ that we learn the wisdom of faithful fathering and the strength to “walk in love as he has loved us” – toward our children. The Christian father must live therefore in union with Christ. In him we are clothed the fruits of the Spirit (Phil. 1:11), especially the kindness, gentleness, and love that shows our children their heavenly Father, wins them to Jesus Christ, and draws them closer to him and to us in their struggles.
Several Ways Fathers Embitter Children
We might divide embittering fathering into attitudes, actions, and artfulness. First, we can embitter our children by sinful attitudes. Fathers are encouraged to help their children by being nurturing, kind, and affectionate. Fathers, if you are angry and constantly critical, moody and hateful, impossible to please, belittling and demeaning, then your children will be tempted to shut you out of their lives, literally or emotionally – and likely from the Lord. Fathers are not to embitter children or to treat them sharply. Fathers should endeavor by the power of Jesus Christ not to discipline their children too rigorously, beat them down with criticism, or communicate displeasure as a way of life. Another fatal fathering attitude and destroyer of Christian homes is joyless fathering. Too many Christian men walk through life as if the burden of the world rests upon their shoulders, and thus have all the joy of someone heading to an execution rather than to heaven, to Jesus Christ our Lord and his wedding feast. And thus, children learn a complaining, critical, and backbiting spirit early in life, and this ruins them – unless God’s grace intervenes. This is not to say that father should fake a joyful spirit – but that they must live in communion with Jesus Christ by walking in the Spirit. The Holy Spirit will give joy as one of his most beautiful fruits – the joy of reconciliation, the joy of grace, the joy of adoption, the joy of heaven opened, the joy of a reigning Savior, the joy of harmony with the Lord on the path of obedience. Joy is not something we can aim directly at – it is the fruit of union and communion with Jesus Christ. It is the fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22-23).
Fathers can also embitter their children by their actions, which are obviously related to attitudes. If discipline is overly harsh or belittling rather than constructive, children will become bitter. The flesh will tempt them to the discouragement and despair that says – nothing I do can ever please my father. Why try? If fathers are overly demanding and perfectionistic or give non-eternal things the same weight as the eternal – children will not know how to distinguish the one from the other and eventually grow frustrated. Or worse, they will become good little papists and think that piety is following manmade rules without any real heart submission to the Lord’s word – as long as they carefully follow house rules, they will stay out of trouble. Disciplining in anger and with the intent to hurt is also a great evil that should be shunned by all God-fearing men and fathers – our Father in heaven takes no delight in pain. His anger is always measured by his love. It is not an out-of-control burning. If so, it would consume us, as it has consumed many homes – all in the name of religion, but really the father’s self-made religion of anger against anyone that crosses him.
It is hard to speak of artful fathers, but we must guard our own hearts, for example, against manipulation – especially emotional manipulation. Fathering is not guilting the child into conformity – well, our family would be more blessed if you would be more obedient. Do you know how bad we look because you are acting this way? I would not be so tired if you were more compliant. God does not love you, son, if you do not obey me. This is religious manipulation that has little in common with biblical religion – but children do not know this clearly. Their views of Christ grow very distorted and disturbed under such parenting.
Hypocrisy is equally embittering. As your children grow older, they will see whether or not you actually love the Lord and are his committed disciple or if religion is simply a control measure in your home – or a matter of pride and contention, not your heart love. They hear the way you talk with your wife – is this how the Lord Jesus talks to his wife? If it is, they will think to themselves, I want no part of him. Fathers, if you would gain your children for Christ, you must be a personal, ardent, transparent, and repenting disciple of Jesus Christ. Your sincerity – including personal repentance to them for your many fathering sins, hearing you attribute all good in your life to his grace – is the best remedy for them feeling gaslighted – having their reality distorted by various forms of emotional manipulation.
Do not blame them for existing – embrace your responsibility to train them. Do not act as if your family foibles are normal or that your family is the only godly one out there. Never give your children the idea that the way you do things is the only right way – or create suspicion against other believers that may make different applications than you. This will warp their souls. It will one day be proven a lie to them, and they may hate you for it. Be honest about your struggles and weakness and be even more honest about your need of Jesus Christ. This will give children a healthy self-identity and enable them to meet the challenges of our times. We are not Christians because we never struggle or know more than everyone else. We are Christians because we are honest about our sinfulness and confess that we must have Jesus Christ for our life or perish, now and forever.
Our Reformed community has tended to downplay the impact of upbringing, but we must stop. Children are responsible for their responses to authority, but they learn to hide, deceive, and shut down emotionally if their fathers are demanding, make every small thing huge, or criticize constantly. It is far better to talk often to them, talk calmly to them, and talk with special passion about Christ, heaven, Scripture, and our everlasting life in him. This is the impression you want to leave upon your children – not a father who was always grinding me down, or never engaging with me unless there was a problem. Our heavenly Father invites us to pray to him constantly, to come to him for everything. He gives us his word daily, thanks to the blessed Reformation he sent and the rescuing of his word from the commandments, traditions, and persecutions of men. He wants to dwell with us, walk with us, and talk with us. Endeavor to live out that covenant with your children – his covenant of grace in Jesus Christ with you. This will win your children to Christ, for it will show them his grace and meekness, his lowliness, his attractiveness.
Preventing Heartless and Hopeless Children
If we embitter our children, they will be discouraged. The word means to be broken in spirit. Some fathers try to break their children’s spirits, but we are forbidden to do so. Like the Holy Spirit, we are to come alongside our children and bear them up by love, encouragement, and prayers. Our children need comfort, clear instruction, showing that this is the path of new life in Christ. They need to hear regularly that the Lord is for them, loves them, and promises to be with them. Fathers, we must take seriously the long-term impact of the way we speak to our children each day. Does it build them up? Do our words communicate love and concern, or annoyance and impatience? Does our body language encourage them, show them we are interested in them, and like being around them? Children must know that they are loved and that they are precious to you. Do not expect that they will somehow pick this up over time but encourage them daily with endearing words and sincere affections so that they know it in their souls. They need you to bear them up in their years of learning and weakness, to nurture them, not crush them. In this, you are like our heavenly Father, whom you must imitate (Eph. 5:1).
Fathers, we learn the theology of fathering from the best Father (Ex. 34:5-6). He is merciful and gracious – he treats sinners kindly, and he is always ready to hear and forgive. He is approachable. He keeps his promises. He is generous with us, abundant in his grace, and is always working good for us. He is not stingy, hard to please, aloof or cold, unaffectionate, or mean. He is not afraid of getting close to us – do you see how close he came when he sent his Son and how close he now brings us to himself? He does not emotionally manipulate us. He does not treat us as if we are an inconvenience to him, an annoyance. He does not sigh when we walk into the room or have a problem to bring to him. He is interested in our burdens, needs, and joys. He loves us. If we do not communicate these things to our children, they will become heartless and hopeless. They will lose the very heart of our Savior’s work – to reconcile us to the Father so that we may draw near to him as beloved children with boldness and confidence. They will think of our faith as something hard and impossible to attain. If you are never joyful, why would they want to believe in your God? Thus, we must be men who live in communion with Jesus Christ, and then bring our children into that communion with us – praying with them, talking about the Lord’s mercy, seeking his wisdom and strength, growing together in the Lord with them, as a way of life (Deut. 6:7).
A Path for Winsome Fathering
How can we encourage and not embitter our children? From Ephesians 6, we learn that fathers are to bring up their children. This word paideia means the training and education of children that brings them up to maturity. Fathers are to cultivate the soil of lifelong discipleship, following Jesus Christ and pleasing him in all things. This motivation of pleasing our Lord is the bookend of the entire household section (3:17,23). The goal of Christian paideia is a life lived to please, to magnify, to adore our Savior. To this end, since we are in a constant warfare against the world, the flesh, and the devil, our children need encouragement, especially today. Children are aware from us that things are not right in our land. We should not lay upon them an emotional responsibility to save the world or to feel every shifting anxiety that comes upon us. The Lord has not placed this burden upon their young shoulders. They are also increasingly aware of a battle within themselves. Thus, they need “nurture:” careful, loving cultivation – body and soul, training in God’s covenant, and preparation to serve the Lord in the world. Good upbringing will teach them to curb their passions not by crushing them but by drawing near to them, talking with them, and speaking organically and regularly of God’s truths (Deut. 6:7).
Admonition is not censoring them or having a critical spirit but correcting their faults by instruction and showing them the way to walk in joyful obedience to the Lord. Admonition should always lead them to Jesus Christ, for he is our model (Eph. 5:2; 1 John 2:6), and the source of all our strength. Fathers, your children learn how to follow him by watching you, walking with you, and hearing your words about him. We are not trying to teach our children not to displease us, for this only teaches them to avoid us. We are trying to teach them the way to please our Savior, and this draws them close to us, if pleasing him is what pleases us. This is the way fathers overcome the world – when they are like their heavenly Father. It is also the way we build good relations with our children so that they are our friends for life, our brothers and sisters in the Lord.
Ask your children, fathers, especially as they mature, if you are encouraging to them. This is not asking them if they like everything you tell them. It will not undermine your God-given authority to be like our Savior – “whom do men say I am?” It is better to know if you are too heavy-handed, how you are coming across to them, if you are discouraging your children by your pettiness, belittling, or criticism – or coldness, indifference, and isolation from them. To encourage your children and bring them in the Lord’s ways means that you must be around them, spend time with them, talk with them, and treat them as image-bearers of God. You must be like your heavenly Father is to you. Imitate him, fathers (Eph. 5:1). Ask him to help you. If you are exasperating or discouraging your children, repent and trust the mercy of God in Christ. Ask the Father to make you more like him – gentle, kind, and good. Your children will be won to Christ by your love. This is the way you were won to Christ – when he revealed to your heart what he has done for you, how much he has loved you. Grow in his love, and you will grow as a father. You will gain your children for Christ.
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